Suddenly having the urge to get up and lose myself. Detach myself and find myself again. 

Things don't always seem right.

I actually had Katherine McPhee's "Had It All" in my itouch for a long time but i never took the effort to listen to the lyrics. One day, on my way home from a hectic day, i was listening to it and the lyrics really struck a chord with me. If you guys are interested, go youtube it or something.

Mich and i had been in a relationship for a year plus already. And we've been living with each other so we see each other day in and day out. Even when we're not together, we text each other often. Mich's like my best friend where i would share my every secret with especially about people who i have to try to be nice to.

The year-old relationship had its fair share of fights and being the over-bearing (i admit) me, things have turned my way. And i realised our relationship have changed over time to a very independent relationship whereby we can go do our own things and very much yet be a couple.

That's when Katherine McPhee's "Had It All" comes in. In summary, the song is about leaving one's partner in search of better pastures and found nothing as such to exist. Nobody's perfect, i know that and accept it. But being the perfectionist me, i tend to look at faults and magnify them. Sometimes i think Mich doesn't understand why i can become so cold - it's Mich's fault and it's my fault too. I remembered all the times i took the risk of leaving someone thinking of the better pasture and ended up broken-hearted. Also, there'll be no ends to comparisons. I understand that i'll be constantly unhappy if i put up Mich for comparison. What's the point?

But honestly, sometimes i find myself being so near-sighted that i ain't able to oversee those cracks. I wonder if i'm suited more to short-term monogamous relationships. Never heard of this term? I didn't too until last week when Lye Huat told me about it. It refers to relationships where it's short-lived but during the term, both partners remain faithful to each other only. Sounds like something very apt for the community. One day when it seems like it's not working out anymore, both partners agree to leave whereas long-term relationships, i.e. marriage, couples stay behind to work it out.

Me? I think it suits me because i rather look at the cracks, feel disgusted and leave. Because i've a short attention span too.

However, i rather not choose it. I don't want to be in my 30s and still being in such a cycle. What's the point of the greener pasture? it'll turn yellow after i've "digested" it. So what next? Another greener pasture?

No thanks!
 

As inspired by 500 days of Summer.

I caught the movie last Monday. Though it was a serious snooze fest, I really drew loads of parallels to my own tale. So after the 500 days with Mitchell, i decided to write my own version of the story too.

Mitchell was and is a common friend of mine so we knew each other way before we started dating. One day, Mitchell left me a message on my friendster account. So we communicated on ends on friendster account till we decided to meet up on christmas eve 3 years ago for a movie. As the movie was in Chinese, Mitchell who isn't exactly well versed in Chinese had me translating and explaining the movie. We had a really good time and i really liked Mitchell. However, Mitchell decided we shouldn't continue our friendship further because there were intentions behind all these going out and at that time i was seeing someone else too.

But with that meeting, i realised i wasn't actually in love with the person i was with then when Mitchell appeared. Shortly after, we broke up and Mitchell slowly faded off without any means of communications. Then in early fall (that's about July in Singapore, haha...), Mitchell left me a message on my friendster account again. These time, both of us really wanted to take things slow so we frequently teased and chatted via the messages. I was still in college then and i would frequently pop by the library to log on and reply Mitchell's messages.

The messages continued for a week before we decided to exchange our numbers once again. And it was a week later that we met for our first date as Mitchell officially named it. I remember that day was a friday and we were suppose to catch a movie, whilst on the train i was so nervous and happy at the same time i was totally hyperventilating. That's when we spent 48 hours straight with each other, talking about everything under the sky and with loads of private moments.

Just 48 hours and i felt that i was totally in love with Mitchell. I really was. I remembered writing in my old blog this feeling of love as a "cosmic accident" where things were meant to happen unknowingly but when it hit you, it was overwhelming. And indeed, Mitchell's love was overwhelming. Mitchell showered me with tremendous love that all i wanted to do was being belonged to Mitchell.

I fell in love with everything about Mitchell - the eyes that light up when Mitchell laughs and smiles lightly, Mitchell's air guitar shows during the favourite rock songs and Mitchell's awkwardness around me.

After almost 3 blissful weeks, things started to go very wrong. I was so in love with Mitchell that when Mitchell got angry, i wanted to cry and ran. That's when i failed in Mitchell's eyes. Though we went back to our relationship, things were never the same and i became more fearful of Mitchell. Finally, things went sour between us and we swore never to speak to each other again.

That put me in a lot of pain. I cried on ends every day for at least a week and i would be smoking a pack of ciggarettes every other day. I was very dysfunctional. For months, i stayed at home when i was not at school to sleep. And i slept on and on, only waking up to eat. I never really got over Mitchell, for months i tried to move on but i kept failing.

It was only a year later that i truly learnt to move on. Then i realised that Mitchell wasn't really in love with me though i was very so. I always thought that Mitchell wasn't worthy of me but in fact, Mitchell wasn't worthy of my love.

But i'm still thankful of Mitchell for appearing in my love. Without Mitchell, i wouldn't have never understood the real meaning of love. I became so much stronger and i learnt how to be positive. I learnt how to be confident and protect myself from being a victim of false-love. I learnt what i wanted in life and i learnt what i'm looking for in a partner.

After 500 days of Mitchell, i'm better off alone... But then i met Mich.

Disclaimer: characters and settings are all true to a large extent. Any co-incidences are purely unintended and i'm sorry bitch, get your own story!
 

Was when i was reading the book "P.S. I Love You" by Cecelia Ahern. That was the period when i ended a relationship that meant so much to me and every sensitivity affected me.

Just awhile ago, i finished reading "The Time Traveller's Wife" by Audrey Niffenegger which really pulled me back to the time when i was reading Cecelia's book. Towards the end when Henry wallowed in self-defeat with the knowledge of his impending death while Clare remained the person who loved Henry dearly and waiting for his return, even after his death.

What struck me in both these books that were able evoke such immense amount of tears were two subjects of never-dying love and death. Not two separate subjects but two associated subjects.

Who, is the person that you love, that is no longer physically around?

How many years of waiting it takes for the life partner to turn up and how many years of loving that makes either of you indispensable to each other?

I'm terribly afraid of death. I hate to leave this world that everyone thinks is bleak, i want to stay around forever, see the world change and see the people around me learn to become the people they want to be. Just like Henry's wish to see his daughter, Alba grow up and to grow old with Clare.

I'm terribly afraid of death for his might to draw the last breath of anybody that i ever loved and leaving behind a shell. A shell that could only be remembered but never touched and communicated to. A shell that tortures you with memories so beautiful but never allowing you a second chance anymore.

I guess we're all just humans.
 

Has been a really good year, the year when i really grow up and learnt much. Without any dramas.

Surprising? Yeah, i pretty much thought so.

I've learnt that happiness is as simple as it is. No need for big events to happen. Just appreciating life as it is.

I take pride that my life is in order, would be going far and well - hopefully.

My current agenda is to reconnect with all my beautiful friends. Big shout-out to MeiXing, JinYu, Joe, DanX, Grace and Paige. Much missed.

I was there for all three days! I'm not a fan of fast cars nor a fan of those drivers, or whatnot associated with Formula 1.

My observations about the event?

I wonder have you read my entry about the Singapore Turf Club? Well, it's just like that except it's much more classy and refined. I've seen my fast cars, didn't see Lindsay Lohan nor any hotties to say the least.

Once in a lifetime is enough.
 

Well, soon to be, to say the least.

Yesterday night, i was dining at Thai Express at Plaza Singapura and i got served my ice water by a pretty lady who was continously signing. And then, i realised she was wearing a badge that said she was hearing disabled. Honestly, all these talk about having employers to get people who are handicapped are becoming true.

I actually, really, felt good about such an act and think that there is still warmth in our fast-paced and cold society. You know, i actually loathe that branch because they are so damn slow, in refilling the cups to having the dishes served but i guess there are reasons for me to return now.

Many people who have travelled almost always thought that the grass is greener on the other side. And one of the compelling reasons is that people are courteous and gracious. Some qualities that Singaporeans sorely lack. How many times have we taken the train and seen countless elderly people standing and youngsters staying rooted to their seats? There are times that i just want to go up to them and ask if they're blind. Just two days back, there was an elderly woman standing right in front of this young man and he refused to give up his seat and sitting opposite him were two young ladies who kept looking at my direction where i was standing just beside the old lady. The thing that disgusted me was that those two fugly skanks thought i was staring at them cause they were too pretty for their own good and the young man didnt even bother to pretend to be sleeping. To think that Singapore as a society who has a large percentage of her population being so highly educated and having our youth being so nonchalant about social etiquettes.

Would you? Give up your seat for that elderly lady? Or would you chastise those ignorant youths into giving up the seats?

Thank you, Thai Express for showing the rest of Singapore that everyone needs a chance to those who go a looking.

We all are not perfect but there are people who are slightly flawed and not necessarily bad because they are more brave and stronger than all of us. They don't need your pity but they need your understanding.
 

 

SKINNY DIPPING! Finally found people who are as daring as crazy as me. =D



Nursing a cold at home now. Haha...

Woke up this morning feeling different and slighted. In every single bone in my body.

Feel like that i didn't have fun for a long time, realised i'm so stiff with determination and found out that i'm as alone as i used to be a year ago.

Suddenly plans that i've made seem to be going on red-alert. I seemed to have calm down after overloading myself with tasks to fulfill.

I think i need my long deserved holiday. HONG KONG IN TWO WEEKS! CAN'T WAIT.
 

Backpacking in Nepal and be a volunteer.

Had an impulse of doing that when i was watching Linda (of MTV Taiwan VJ fame) doing likewise on a volunteer program by MediaCorp's Channel 8. All along i've been wanting to do something like this, and i actually felt really compelled to do so after being shown videos of young teenagers from Australia doing volunteer job in Africa back when during GP tuition. Though i've terribly let down my tutor cause even though i internalised everything i've learnt cause i failed my GP back in JC. But i guess Mr. Tong should be proud that i've learnt much from him, views that i've never considered and learnt that the grass on the opposite side might not necessarily be greener on the other side but just another pasture that we've never considered and thus never compared with.

Commented about my thoughts to Mich and was gunned down with doubts of being able to withstand the stench and the grime. Actually Mich wasn't the last and definitely not the first one. I had even doubts about it myself, not having clean water to sanitise myself totally freaks me out and up till today, i've still not conquered my intolerence to bad smells.

I'm sure many people would think what the hell is this superficial and high maintenance bimbo of a hilt want to do volunteer work at Nepal. And for the record, i'm not doing so to prove that i'm a saint but one can feel free to feel that way. I've always told people i met in life that the reason i'm attracted to make friends with people who are vastly different (and they usually take immediate dislike of each other if i ever introduce them) or extremely experienced and jokers who are the run of the mill type (i.e whiners of the government, people who let themself go and egomaniacs) because you only have one life and there's so much in life that you cannot experience all of them. Their accounts will be an addition to your experience and an additional fulfillment in life - seeing life in another perspective (remember the greener pasture?).

So, at the end of the day, hopefully, i'll be able to overcome all obstacles and without qualms head to Nepal for some serious backpacking. That'll be another life changing experience to truly experience life.

Yes, i'm not oxymoronic, i'm double emphasising my point.

I think i've changed someone's life today. I might be wrong but i felt good about it anyway. Instead of teaching, i spent most of the time talking to my tuition kid about the ways of life and dishing out advices.

I did so just like the times that i was offered back then.

That made me do some serious thinking... Even though i havent had it easy nor been having it easy, i guess i do have a really charmed life and been really lucky. All the junctures that i have fallen badly and might be on the road to the wrong exits, i have met people in my life who gave me excellent advices and tried to salvage me.

From my very first attempt to sabotage my own life back in lower secondary school days with gangsterism and bad behaviour, i met a very passionate teacher who saw the worth in me and spent her patient time to punish me, correct me and teach me. To the recent friends i made, many of them really close to heart, who taught me to appreciate life for its' worth.

Is it a case of luck. Or have i been receptive to them. I guess it's a case of both because these are the right people who proved to be worthy to be listened and my honour to have met them.

My salute to all of you.
 

After being a tuition teacher for almost a month now and getting hell from a particular tuition kid, i've come to realise why the teachers in school adore me so much.

Despite my bad behaviour of sleeping in class and keen defiance of school rules, teachers still loved me.

Cause i've realised after being a teacher that i possessed qualities that teachers expect in a student. That is to say understanding what is being taught and actually asking the right questions along the way to get the final understanding. Or perhaps handing in homework on time and also having the passion for learning. Ok, maybe i seriously lacked the passion for learning but at least i'm attuned to the fact that i better best understand what is taught so i have an easier time passing the examinations.

And i always thought that students like me are the rule of the thumb and not the exception then i met my tuition kid, i found out i was the exception. I'm also sure that many of us have met teachers that dont seem passionate about teaching especially the really old ones or for me, i have met several teachers who were very passionate about teaching in the first 4 years then turning into their old prototypes later on. We always complained that our teachers are boring (that's why i didn't get A for my Pure Physics) but didn't it occur to us that we are the ones who turned them that way.

Just like i thought my tuition kid just had a lot to catch up and had lost his confidence in learning but i realised he doesnt even want to catch up nor does he want to learn, always leaving so many homework undone so that i've to do it with him. Many times, i just feel like smacking his head just like the mother who always instructed me to be violent with him or give him a tight slap so that he would concentrate. I'm sure my teachers wanted to slap some of my classmates so badly. Actually they did! Not really slap but let's see, hurl chairs at them or screaming in their face with a proximity of like, 5cm?

I'm glad that i have leser people hating me for who i am. And that reminds me, i'll never hold a teaching job no matter how smart my recipients might be.
 

I'm getting a tattoo soon and i've decided that's that. A week ago i got my colleague/friend Matin to help me draw up one for me as a gift for my 21st birthday.

I admit my initial intentions were superficial (wanting to look chio) and after talking to Matin about the designs, he reminded me that the tattoo is going to be there for life so he hopes that i really think about it and get a meaning behind getting the tattoo.

Besides the pretty factor, a very small part of me wanted the tattoo because of my rebellious nature. Then i took 3 days after Matin to talk to me and really thought about it.

For me, i feel that this tattoo is going to symbolise a coming of age. A tattoo for my 21st birthday, get it? When i turn 21, i would most probably move out and be totally living alone, be financially capable and studying full time in the local university too. I don't know about you but this actually scares me a lot because i've more or less tasted independence and being completely independent especially financially and undertaking lodging on my own is two mutually exclusive objects.

Initially, i was even so narcisstic to want to tattoo my name down and of course this idea got shot down hard. There's this guy that i've seen at gym who tattoo-ed the word "Libra" down on his calf, although i've got no idea where that came from but i thought it meant something to him. So i thought hard and have decided on "Wills", derived from my name and a word that speaks volume of me, and a word that speaks volume of where i want to draw my strength from in life.

Will: the power of control the mind has over its own actions, wish or desire

Getting vines and stars to loop around the word. Vines for strength and stars for my obsession for them.

Yeah, actually i'm really excited about getting it.

The June, July and August period is the busiest period in my work calender. I expected myself to be physically tired but i did not expect myself to go to war everyday.

I have this mounting anger about people in regular service. Well, they can get damn bloody lazy for all i know. I'm snappy everyday at work and i scream at almost everyone. And i loathe it because it makes me nasty with my already nasty persona that i carry. With this anger inside, many times i bring it home with me.

They say these things sprial. And it's taking a toll on me. Because i'm starting to hate my life with its monotonous routine which i've previously established and enjoyed.

And life at work doesn't just stop at working with pigs and cows as colleagues but stripped off the privilege of not going to work when you don't feel like it. Urgh! It's so darn annoying because all i want to do sometime is just laze at home on a weekday and see the day fly past and at the same time, see those pigs and cows suffer. Why only does my unit get stripped off this privilege when those pigs and cows get to keep theirs and make my life difficult.

Furthermore, i have to face these a-holes from monday to even saturday now. Why dont they just kill me.

You know what's the cherry on top of this whole fiasco? I CAN'T QUIT MY JOB!

I really just feel uber dissatisfied with my quality of life now. I want to do something, change something or even quit something. I think i want to quit my relationship too.
 

Sometimes a nightmare so surreal and vivid make you sit up and rethink about life.

I had a nightmare, a very scary one. Albeit just 8 words in a sentence, i can't reiterate enough how afraid i am feeling nor can i stress the degree of fear. Even if there was a scale of 1 to 10 to put into this emotion, mine now would definitely be a hundred.

It started out with me being overseas for reasons that i'm unsure of but when i came back, i was too overloaded with schedules to visit Grams so i called her regularly to check on her. But everytime i call, she wouldn't be available, as answered by my cousin and aunt who she lives with now, because she was either out or sleeping. And it never occurred to me in my nightmare i could have expected a call back later and with umpteen times calling be answered.

It was then one unfortunate day that the maid picked up the phone during one of my calls and it slipped her mouth that Grams is not at home but at the hospital. Then it all snaps back to me. I immediately phoned my aunt and asked her what the hell went wrong and was told that Grams had an incident in the toilet, slipped and had a mild stroke.

Details before that were hazy but up till this point, everything became vivid in the nightmare. I rushed down to the hospital and saw Grams propped in a wheelchair with her head slanted to one of her shoulders in the corner of 4 persons ward. And when i saw Grams' face void of emotions, it stung so hard in my heart. So i told her how sorry i was for taking so long to come and said "i miss you" in mandarin.

Grams actually replied in her stroke-ridden state with a "i miss you too"

The expression worn on her face put a stake through my hearts. It was so surreal that i bolted up from sleep crying. And it had been a good half an hour. Everytime i close my eyes now i see the expression on her face and it hurts so bad that i can't stop the tears. And everytime it hurts even more.

They say that when one say out loud about dreams and nightmares, it will never happen in real life and hope that it's especially true for this. I can't give any calls because it's in the dead of the night now but i hope all of you could help me pray for her that she's in the best of health now and will be in the future.

For me, Grams had never been an evil person. She epitomised love. All she ever worked for and cared for are the 3 children she bore and her grandchildren including me. All the sufferings she is going through all came through because of all the love she chose to lay on her children. So please, pray for a good person in this world as i do so ever so often.

Dont miss the water till the river is dry. Tacky as it sounds but never take for granted the people you love.
 

How many times did you have to wake up at ungodly hours to get things done when you could snuggle up in bed with the cool wind?

I'm sure there won't be much for most of us unless we work the "other" hours. For me, i had a few that were rather memorable and therefore i always appreciated the few moments in life that i'm awake at such ungodly hours.

Be it that i'm heading home like the time DanX, Joe and I partied hard at St. James and we had DanX's Mini's roof down and singly madly to Jojo's "Too Little Too Late" on the CTE. Or the time that i left Singapore to catch a plane for a short break with an ex lover to have another shot at our relationship. How could i ever forget the times at Tekong then?

I'm not sure what that is that makes this period of time in the 24 hours that just makes one so calm and clear-headed. Maybe it's free from the hustle and bustle of life. Or it's the cooling dew in the air that has aromatheraputic effects.

I love the sudden randomness of all these moments.
 

Yes, it's that time of the quarter that i feel so bored with the routines of life that i want to uproot myself.

It's a comfortable routine but it's so comfortable i really consider if i do want to change that at all. Like my colleagues suggest doing a combination of routines together to spice it up or using a different method. But my routine works best for me under my own revision.

I want to go on an adventure. Do something crazy. Meet someone so refreshing it changes my perspectives.

Let's go hiking at Mount Kinabalu!
 

It's most probably way too early on a Sunday morning but i've read something online about someone from someone which got me all worked up far too early on a Sunday. Yes, i repeat - far too early on a Sunday morning. Gosh, i could be so fuming mad that i could just go to church to cleanse my soul.

In actuality, i've been contemplating these thoughts for the longest time but was not sure to put a view about it in words. But i guess rage has no place in a woman's fury.

I've made a faux paus, not a fashion faux paus. And not just a realisation but of many mistakes in judgement.

Not that i blame myself but the horrors that backfired shot me right awake and i can't bear to list them down. Introducing the wrong guy (urgh "guy" is such a an understatement for a term for this skank-bitch-slut-whore) to a good friend and having him too close to the group or should i say too close to home! Making two friends whom i thought were so much like me but in reality, were nothing like me.

With me, i tend to like making friends who were on the same frequency as me especially people who have the same feedback system as me - in terms of how i view the world and react to situations. But i realised these two people were so very different from me and the only similarity that we ever share is our feedback system.

I'm especially angered by one. Because he behaved like he was having such a great time with me, the rest of my group. But to find out at the end of it, he was just being fake and the snide comments that he made not just about me but the rest of my friends which i took it personally and found extremely offensive.

DO NOT RIDE ON THE MORAL HIGH HORSE ON ME! In Titus' words, "Don't act like your Buddha when actually, you're just Paris Hilton." Though i don't appreciate Paris Hilton being used as an example cause i adore her (for another day) but in a general public's view, we get it.

I dare say i've never put a pedastal under my feet intentionally not because i cannot afford to but i don't want to. I'm not the usual idealist neither am i a person who puts my life in sets of rules. So that makes me a person who naturally doesn't judge if you live differently from me or have different views about me.

Preventing myself from seemingly riding on the moral high horse, i need to put into perspective that there are people that i cannot stand but i just distant myself away from them and not bother to judge. But definitely, i don't even bare to try being fake.

Back to the point in making snide comments. Fine, don't like us don't come near us. Wonder why i swung to the other end about who i stand with at the end of the relationship with this faux and my friend - now you've it. I hate to admit it but i've always seen the demise of the relationship but i hated how it all played out in the end. People make mistakes but they admit it. I'm not judging how he makes his faux paus now in life. Because i've been through it and most people in this group, MY FRIENDS - REAL AND FOR KEEPS, have been through it.

And i'm proud to say, we were able to climb out of it and stay grounded with each other's support. I don't know if most people see it but a lot of people stay lost in it because they lose their perspectives along the way because of the faux glamour and attention that people in the circle crave for. I don't know for exact which direction he supposedly steering himself into but i'm offended because he chose to put himself with a skank-bitch-slut-whore whose definite path is, let me see, sleeping around, sleeping around with other people's boyfriend, seducing people and getting a helluva attention in the all deserving manner of a skank-bitch-slut-whore. Oh please, don't even go to think that i'm bitter! Cause i did better and as well as he can get if i wanted to.

Life is about embracing diversity and this group is as diverse as it gets. And let me not remind you that being gay is as diverse as it already is. Right, i'm not judging this guy but i've chosen to distant myself.

Moral of the story is and a life lesson for me: Don't be quick to determine how similar a person is to me but be slow to determine how different he/she is. Because like i never knew, i had to pull out a schmite from my throat with all the other words that i swallowed and the kitchen knife (small and taking a long time to slice through) from my back.

Here i am on a rainy afternoon, having granted the afternoon off from the daily drugeries, all i have to do is chill in the confines of my room. The past three days had been highly emotional for me especially yesterday.

Had a tiff with M on Saturday and the words that were seldom spoken between us were put out on the table - the talks about a future together and having a home of our own.

All along i have this small little date book in my head - achievements and goals in life that i want to fulfill and check it off the list at different periods of my life. And all along i thought i knew how to get there and being in national slavery is not inching me anywhere nearer to these agendas so i had been shelving it.

It's going to be a year from now that i'll be 21. And it's going to be a year from now that i will have to source hard for a bank loan without credibility nor financial backing for my university fees. Furthermore, it's going to be a year from now that i'll be fully an adult. There's so much to do come O.R.D.

I've never been happy living where i am now. Yes i'm living alone but i'm living at a relative's house where i'm confined to the spaces of my own room with strict rules to follow. Although i don't pay any rent, i might as well feel just like a tenant. Therefore, i want to move out next year. Relocate my life, somewhere near my university and having a place to call my own.

My intentions are to rent a whole apartment  and sharing it with a few close friends. Bingie was and is the very first person that came into mind when i went looking for these close friends. And the very next day after the tiff, i talked to Bingie about it and am glad to find out that he's very supportive of idea. The whole idea is like having a family home whereas you're free to move around the house and at the same have the emotional support around.

Although it's going to be a year from now that everything should materialise, i felt that i needed to seek approval from someone who has love me all my life and is still worried about my status of independence. And yesterday when i went over for the usual dinner, i talked to my grams about my wishes. Initially, totally rejective of the idea until relenting with my further convincing.

Through the talk, it was totally emotional because there were words that i've never thought of before but spoken that even i was pleasantly surprised at. I told my grams how unhappy and uncomfortable with the place i am at now, although i've come to terms with my living conditions doesn't mean that i don't seek to further improve it. She tried to convince me that i should keep the room while moving out so that i've a back up but i felt indifferent. What they did to her room while she was away will be what they could do the room while i am away and besides i'll be imposing. Then she questioned my independence. I told her i had M to help me along but was abruptly reminded that i shouldn't rely on another with my own life which proved to be valid. But she only allowed me the chance to carry on afterward, that i've already planned finances capable of me to go ahead without M. I told her my resolute to work while studying, i had done it with my 'A' levels and i'll do it again because she reminded both of my parents would by then have granted me full adulthood with no financial support. And i convinced her that i'm no longer the same as before, i no longer spend everything that i have and i've curb my terrible impulse buying because i want my plans for my future to work.

Then the words that stung came, "it's not fair to me. It's not like i don't have parents who don't have their own places. But i have parents who have their own places and not wanting me to stay with them. I had such plans when i was 18. Which sane 18 year old would do such a thing - i'm not fighting to prove my capability in independence like the rest of the opressed angsty teenagers, i want to be granted the sanctuary of a roof over my head." - words that came from my own mouth. Dramatic eh? Trust me, i was surprised too because i never thought i had such thoughts but i guess it was a tiny voice struggling to get out.

And those words hurt my grams and brought tears to her eyes, i wasn't sure if it was her immense love for me or was it because she felt guilty that her own son, my father, made the wrong choice in marrying a woman who has no affinity for children. The words that came afterward felt like a compensation where she offered to pull her name out from the place that i'm living in now and offering to put a name in with me to get a public housing upon my graduation. Compensation or not, i felt relieved because she finally accepted my choice and plans and most importantly, i felt like i had the support of the whole universe.

Through all the verbalising of the plans that i had in my head, i feel strangled because it's not going to be easy - putting figures onto paper is scary enough. And starting out with nothing is even more scary.

But i know i have to pull it through. I've been admired for keeping my head levelled up to this point in the struggles. My strength will be put into use again to keep me afloat and provide me a leverage in life.

Damn difficult it is but i want to survive it.

That place is the gross-est place in Singapore.

I wonder if you people remembered the times (which is not that far away) that smoking wasn't prohibited in the clubs. Cause the Singapore Turf Club made one feel like they've been clubbing in a non-conditioned place. I can't believe there are still indoor places in Singapore that hasn't ban smoking especially with the strict laws that even prohibit people to smoke within a distance from the shopping centers.

Oh by the way, i was there for a gig for national slavery. I even wonder why we were hired to perform because i don't think anybody appreciates what we are doing. First time in my whole performance in band, my band wasn't acknowledged nor applauded for.

That place is also filled with old fogeys. One might think that one is at the old folks' home. But no, their chain smoking instantly snaps you back to reality because they are spitting directly in front of your feet! The place is so badly littered it reminds me of the bus terminals where i go to whenever i needed to get a coach to go to Malaysia - albeit that being one of the reason why i detest visiting Malaysia.

The toilet at that place - i think i just went to toilet hell. It's way worse than public toilets at hawker centers! I knew it was going to be that case but i had no choice and partially it was due to my constant downing of water due to their inconvenient non-conditioned holding place. And i thought that i would buy an ice cream to cool myself down which sadly cost me $3.20 for a cornetto! Excuse me, but aren't these hawkers selling to a bunch of old fogeys/uncivilised/unkempt/dirty uncles who are most probably stingy?

I hate to generalise but if i get three idiots spitting at the front of my feet, i think i get the say to say that all those people are the same.

However, like i was promised, i got to see some real life fashion show. Those sponsor's wives were wearing those pretty pretty heels you see on Harper's Bazar and Style. There were quite a number of eye candies, i.e bags and dresses. But seriously, i wouldn't go to the Singapore Turf Club for a fashion show. Paris fashion week anytime!

Oh, i also learnt to gamble on horses. Which i can only conclude is the dumbest form of gambling ever because i think i can win more and more definite with Blackjack with the same amount of time. There's a 25 minutes interval between every race. And in this 25 minutes, you've to be cooped up with a bunch of chain smokers and withstand spit flying near you watching forms of horses during their parading, buy bets and shout for your horses to win. Busy eh? And the stakes are so darn low, if you want a more definite win, let's say you bet 5 bucks, you'll get back 6 bucks. So worth it eh?

I don't think my generation would think much of this horse gambling hobby. I even hope it shuts down when the IR opens.