This morning didnt feel like any other morning. I still am finding solutions to settle my $2000 debt, looking for a job and lusting for bags and shoes filled a constant urge to go shopping. 

I guess i've been an adult way before i reached the age of adulthood.

But i treasure this new revelation within me - where nobody is EVER going to stop me from doing what i want. I've mentioned that i had always been fearful of turning twenty1one because it's going to signify more than just turning into an adult but rather handling the independents of adulthood. I'm going to give myself a pat on the back because i thin i've done a really good easing myself into it than getting the shock of my life.

I don't know how to explain myself but i don't feel the same anymore. I feel i've been stripped off a child's innocence (i know i've lost that long ago) and being truly free.

Happy birthday to me...

Cheers to that wonderful twenty1one birthday party i had with which i spent it with the most important in my life.
Cheers to the bright future that is waiting for me...
Cheers to that birthday party on the yacht in the near future...

Had been a mad rush, didn't have the luxury of time to go about enjoying the block. Rushing to Malaysia, rushing out, doctor's appointment one after another and calls after calls to get my birthday event settled. The christmas shopping wasn't exactly enjoyable with the tight wallets and wasting money on undeserving people, for me at least.

Somewhat with this, i grew a little tired of life and a little wary of adulthood - all these business. I like the times where i get to just sit down and read a magazine from front to end in one go. Or how about the times I've nothing to do but just dream. That's how i dreamt about my birthday party by the way.

And in between all these, I've been having second thoughts about my relationship. About a relationship that doesn't seem to be close knitted in the near future. About a relationship that is differentiating itself. About a relationship that simply sees two individuals together. They say once you stop caring, you stop loving and sometimes i find myself "trying" to care. We've been having problems for a long time, we talk about it but it doesn't seem to better itself. At least i don't get the relief of having a resolved problem. I wonder if it's resolved or i refuse to acknowledge the resolve. I've been playing a lot of "what-if's" questions and it seems to be hard ending on a break up and it doesn't seem like peaceful alternative of a chance answers a year back.

Are relationships meant to sour over time? Or have i been moving too fast, on my own?

我刚刚才在youtube看了这首歌的mv。不知道你们决不决得这首歌像是<<傻瓜>>的后续。

<<傻瓜>>是我在一段恋情分手时的疗伤歌。我知道，为什么疗伤歌是一个那么悲的歌。就因为我觉得我是歌里所说的傻瓜。而听了<<我全都相信>>又让我想起了这段恋情。两年了，为什么就是不能把它忘了。我记得曾有人说过，一个人会遇到两次真爱而第一次终会遗失。我认定了那次就是我第一次的真爱。可是结束后，总觉得自己被欺骗。

而这一句特别带出了欺骗的感觉：
“我全都相信 相信你说的每一句
每一句 我答应 我可以 我不会负你
我全都相信 相信你说的每一句
每一句 只差一句我爱你”

所以我就变了那个傻瓜。。。

I know this question has been posed throughout one's life but don't you feel that life is full of questions that we may never be able to answer - life's contradictions? Like how i need to eat something when i first wake up lest i'll be dysfunctional for the rest of the day but i can't take "convenient" food like cereals or bread because i'm wheat intolerant. Or how about the fact that i've severe motion sickness yet i love to travel so much.

I've just finished Cecelia Ahern's "There's No Place Like Here", the same author who gave us "P.S. I Love You". It took me almost 2 months to finish this book because the front chapters were a serious bore and i couldn't fathom the revelation the book was trying to bring across. It was towards the end that book really became interesting and i would like to share the last paragraph of the book.

"We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander farther and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger, or the sadness preventing us from returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering; sometimes it's easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always we are found."

I don't know about the others but i constantly find myself lost. Then again, i always believed there was a way out.

I visit my own journal every so often, wanting to pen my thoughts down but don't seem to find the inspirations to do so. Usually, in these visits, i read through my old posts. Despite self-flattering, i must say they do sound really good as compared to the trashy posts i used to do when i was younger. I can't help but look back and feel i've learnt so much through life.

Been kept busy this later half of the year. Ever since i got up from my comfort zone and got into the regime of side lining and pushing myself to the boundaries at the gym, i've gotten many opportunities in life. They say the winner is the one who makes the most effort. I've barely taken a break and don't feel like stopping at all. For the month of December, it'll be kept busy with Christmas event, my birthday event, competition, getting ready to O.R.D (at last!) and choosing between the jobs installed for me.

The future seem ever so bright for now and i'm hopeful.

But there's all these talks about the end of the world with 2012. No, i've not caught the movie but with that much people talking about it, i already know the synopsis. My personal belief is that i'm assuming the world is ending at 2012 though i'm only slightly skeptic without the prove of science. I'm not ready to go at 2012. I'm barely through my year 2 in my university years. I've yet to take that family potrait with my graduation. Not fulfilled my dreams of buying a house with my dad, aunt's family with my only cousin and to be finally living again with my grandma complete with a maid to always come back to a clean home. Not been to Paris, London and New York fashion week in 1 calender year.

These thoughts strike fear in me. Everytime i think and talk about it, my heart races. I don't seem to be doing enough to be there at 2012. Monotony seems to be taking a chance to strike back. Life seems so vast in that short 2 years. Plans of moving out from my current accomodations had been stalled and the partner that don't seem to be making any forms of future plans have been worrying me. I can't help but feel that we've reached a forked path and have decided to take differing paths. Prior to typing to this post, i was on my way home and with the iTouch on shuffle to Colbie Calliat's Realize set me back to the memory of a date a year back - that date that held me so strong with an unforgettable gaze that was so serious, i felt i wasn't taken for granted for once. And all those emotional memories came back like the reeling of films. I remembered awhile back i was talking to LyeHuat about that one true love you'll meet in life and how i told him that i most probably met one. But with these memories, the emotions attached could always be vividly remembered. Greedy as it sounds but i do want another shot at these emotions.

This is a feeling of being stuck in limbo - in a rush to want to do so much before the world ends while not wanting to make futile efforts.

Suddenly having the urge to get up and lose myself. Detach myself and find myself again. 

Things don't always seem right.

I actually had Katherine McPhee's "Had It All" in my itouch for a long time but i never took the effort to listen to the lyrics. One day, on my way home from a hectic day, i was listening to it and the lyrics really struck a chord with me. If you guys are interested, go youtube it or something.

Mich and i had been in a relationship for a year plus already. And we've been living with each other so we see each other day in and day out. Even when we're not together, we text each other often. Mich's like my best friend where i would share my every secret with especially about people who i have to try to be nice to.

The year-old relationship had its fair share of fights and being the over-bearing (i admit) me, things have turned my way. And i realised our relationship have changed over time to a very independent relationship whereby we can go do our own things and very much yet be a couple.

That's when Katherine McPhee's "Had It All" comes in. In summary, the song is about leaving one's partner in search of better pastures and found nothing as such to exist. Nobody's perfect, i know that and accept it. But being the perfectionist me, i tend to look at faults and magnify them. Sometimes i think Mich doesn't understand why i can become so cold - it's Mich's fault and it's my fault too. I remembered all the times i took the risk of leaving someone thinking of the better pasture and ended up broken-hearted. Also, there'll be no ends to comparisons. I understand that i'll be constantly unhappy if i put up Mich for comparison. What's the point?

But honestly, sometimes i find myself being so near-sighted that i ain't able to oversee those cracks. I wonder if i'm suited more to short-term monogamous relationships. Never heard of this term? I didn't too until last week when Lye Huat told me about it. It refers to relationships where it's short-lived but during the term, both partners remain faithful to each other only. Sounds like something very apt for the community. One day when it seems like it's not working out anymore, both partners agree to leave whereas long-term relationships, i.e. marriage, couples stay behind to work it out.

Me? I think it suits me because i rather look at the cracks, feel disgusted and leave. Because i've a short attention span too.

However, i rather not choose it. I don't want to be in my 30s and still being in such a cycle. What's the point of the greener pasture? it'll turn yellow after i've "digested" it. So what next? Another greener pasture?

No thanks!
 

As inspired by 500 days of Summer.

I caught the movie last Monday. Though it was a serious snooze fest, I really drew loads of parallels to my own tale. So after the 500 days with Mitchell, i decided to write my own version of the story too.

Mitchell was and is a common friend of mine so we knew each other way before we started dating. One day, Mitchell left me a message on my friendster account. So we communicated on ends on friendster account till we decided to meet up on christmas eve 3 years ago for a movie. As the movie was in Chinese, Mitchell who isn't exactly well versed in Chinese had me translating and explaining the movie. We had a really good time and i really liked Mitchell. However, Mitchell decided we shouldn't continue our friendship further because there were intentions behind all these going out and at that time i was seeing someone else too.

But with that meeting, i realised i wasn't actually in love with the person i was with then when Mitchell appeared. Shortly after, we broke up and Mitchell slowly faded off without any means of communications. Then in early fall (that's about July in Singapore, haha...), Mitchell left me a message on my friendster account again. These time, both of us really wanted to take things slow so we frequently teased and chatted via the messages. I was still in college then and i would frequently pop by the library to log on and reply Mitchell's messages.

The messages continued for a week before we decided to exchange our numbers once again. And it was a week later that we met for our first date as Mitchell officially named it. I remember that day was a friday and we were suppose to catch a movie, whilst on the train i was so nervous and happy at the same time i was totally hyperventilating. That's when we spent 48 hours straight with each other, talking about everything under the sky and with loads of private moments.

Just 48 hours and i felt that i was totally in love with Mitchell. I really was. I remembered writing in my old blog this feeling of love as a "cosmic accident" where things were meant to happen unknowingly but when it hit you, it was overwhelming. And indeed, Mitchell's love was overwhelming. Mitchell showered me with tremendous love that all i wanted to do was being belonged to Mitchell.

I fell in love with everything about Mitchell - the eyes that light up when Mitchell laughs and smiles lightly, Mitchell's air guitar shows during the favourite rock songs and Mitchell's awkwardness around me.

After almost 3 blissful weeks, things started to go very wrong. I was so in love with Mitchell that when Mitchell got angry, i wanted to cry and ran. That's when i failed in Mitchell's eyes. Though we went back to our relationship, things were never the same and i became more fearful of Mitchell. Finally, things went sour between us and we swore never to speak to each other again.

That put me in a lot of pain. I cried on ends every day for at least a week and i would be smoking a pack of ciggarettes every other day. I was very dysfunctional. For months, i stayed at home when i was not at school to sleep. And i slept on and on, only waking up to eat. I never really got over Mitchell, for months i tried to move on but i kept failing.

It was only a year later that i truly learnt to move on. Then i realised that Mitchell wasn't really in love with me though i was very so. I always thought that Mitchell wasn't worthy of me but in fact, Mitchell wasn't worthy of my love.

But i'm still thankful of Mitchell for appearing in my love. Without Mitchell, i wouldn't have never understood the real meaning of love. I became so much stronger and i learnt how to be positive. I learnt how to be confident and protect myself from being a victim of false-love. I learnt what i wanted in life and i learnt what i'm looking for in a partner.

After 500 days of Mitchell, i'm better off alone... But then i met Mich.

Disclaimer: characters and settings are all true to a large extent. Any co-incidences are purely unintended and i'm sorry bitch, get your own story!
 

Was when i was reading the book "P.S. I Love You" by Cecelia Ahern. That was the period when i ended a relationship that meant so much to me and every sensitivity affected me.

Just awhile ago, i finished reading "The Time Traveller's Wife" by Audrey Niffenegger which really pulled me back to the time when i was reading Cecelia's book. Towards the end when Henry wallowed in self-defeat with the knowledge of his impending death while Clare remained the person who loved Henry dearly and waiting for his return, even after his death.

What struck me in both these books that were able evoke such immense amount of tears were two subjects of never-dying love and death. Not two separate subjects but two associated subjects.

Who, is the person that you love, that is no longer physically around?

How many years of waiting it takes for the life partner to turn up and how many years of loving that makes either of you indispensable to each other?

I'm terribly afraid of death. I hate to leave this world that everyone thinks is bleak, i want to stay around forever, see the world change and see the people around me learn to become the people they want to be. Just like Henry's wish to see his daughter, Alba grow up and to grow old with Clare.

I'm terribly afraid of death for his might to draw the last breath of anybody that i ever loved and leaving behind a shell. A shell that could only be remembered but never touched and communicated to. A shell that tortures you with memories so beautiful but never allowing you a second chance anymore.

I guess we're all just humans.
 

Has been a really good year, the year when i really grow up and learnt much. Without any dramas.

Surprising? Yeah, i pretty much thought so.

I've learnt that happiness is as simple as it is. No need for big events to happen. Just appreciating life as it is.

I take pride that my life is in order, would be going far and well - hopefully.

My current agenda is to reconnect with all my beautiful friends. Big shout-out to MeiXing, JinYu, Joe, DanX, Grace and Paige. Much missed.

I was there for all three days! I'm not a fan of fast cars nor a fan of those drivers, or whatnot associated with Formula 1.

My observations about the event?

I wonder have you read my entry about the Singapore Turf Club? Well, it's just like that except it's much more classy and refined. I've seen my fast cars, didn't see Lindsay Lohan nor any hotties to say the least.

Once in a lifetime is enough.
 

Well, soon to be, to say the least.

Yesterday night, i was dining at Thai Express at Plaza Singapura and i got served my ice water by a pretty lady who was continously signing. And then, i realised she was wearing a badge that said she was hearing disabled. Honestly, all these talk about having employers to get people who are handicapped are becoming true.

I actually, really, felt good about such an act and think that there is still warmth in our fast-paced and cold society. You know, i actually loathe that branch because they are so damn slow, in refilling the cups to having the dishes served but i guess there are reasons for me to return now.

Many people who have travelled almost always thought that the grass is greener on the other side. And one of the compelling reasons is that people are courteous and gracious. Some qualities that Singaporeans sorely lack. How many times have we taken the train and seen countless elderly people standing and youngsters staying rooted to their seats? There are times that i just want to go up to them and ask if they're blind. Just two days back, there was an elderly woman standing right in front of this young man and he refused to give up his seat and sitting opposite him were two young ladies who kept looking at my direction where i was standing just beside the old lady. The thing that disgusted me was that those two fugly skanks thought i was staring at them cause they were too pretty for their own good and the young man didnt even bother to pretend to be sleeping. To think that Singapore as a society who has a large percentage of her population being so highly educated and having our youth being so nonchalant about social etiquettes.

Would you? Give up your seat for that elderly lady? Or would you chastise those ignorant youths into giving up the seats?

Thank you, Thai Express for showing the rest of Singapore that everyone needs a chance to those who go a looking.

We all are not perfect but there are people who are slightly flawed and not necessarily bad because they are more brave and stronger than all of us. They don't need your pity but they need your understanding.
 

 

SKINNY DIPPING! Finally found people who are as daring as crazy as me. =D



Nursing a cold at home now. Haha...

Woke up this morning feeling different and slighted. In every single bone in my body.

Feel like that i didn't have fun for a long time, realised i'm so stiff with determination and found out that i'm as alone as i used to be a year ago.

Suddenly plans that i've made seem to be going on red-alert. I seemed to have calm down after overloading myself with tasks to fulfill.

I think i need my long deserved holiday. HONG KONG IN TWO WEEKS! CAN'T WAIT.
 

Backpacking in Nepal and be a volunteer.

Had an impulse of doing that when i was watching Linda (of MTV Taiwan VJ fame) doing likewise on a volunteer program by MediaCorp's Channel 8. All along i've been wanting to do something like this, and i actually felt really compelled to do so after being shown videos of young teenagers from Australia doing volunteer job in Africa back when during GP tuition. Though i've terribly let down my tutor cause even though i internalised everything i've learnt cause i failed my GP back in JC. But i guess Mr. Tong should be proud that i've learnt much from him, views that i've never considered and learnt that the grass on the opposite side might not necessarily be greener on the other side but just another pasture that we've never considered and thus never compared with.

Commented about my thoughts to Mich and was gunned down with doubts of being able to withstand the stench and the grime. Actually Mich wasn't the last and definitely not the first one. I had even doubts about it myself, not having clean water to sanitise myself totally freaks me out and up till today, i've still not conquered my intolerence to bad smells.

I'm sure many people would think what the hell is this superficial and high maintenance bimbo of a hilt want to do volunteer work at Nepal. And for the record, i'm not doing so to prove that i'm a saint but one can feel free to feel that way. I've always told people i met in life that the reason i'm attracted to make friends with people who are vastly different (and they usually take immediate dislike of each other if i ever introduce them) or extremely experienced and jokers who are the run of the mill type (i.e whiners of the government, people who let themself go and egomaniacs) because you only have one life and there's so much in life that you cannot experience all of them. Their accounts will be an addition to your experience and an additional fulfillment in life - seeing life in another perspective (remember the greener pasture?).

So, at the end of the day, hopefully, i'll be able to overcome all obstacles and without qualms head to Nepal for some serious backpacking. That'll be another life changing experience to truly experience life.

Yes, i'm not oxymoronic, i'm double emphasising my point.

I think i've changed someone's life today. I might be wrong but i felt good about it anyway. Instead of teaching, i spent most of the time talking to my tuition kid about the ways of life and dishing out advices.

I did so just like the times that i was offered back then.

That made me do some serious thinking... Even though i havent had it easy nor been having it easy, i guess i do have a really charmed life and been really lucky. All the junctures that i have fallen badly and might be on the road to the wrong exits, i have met people in my life who gave me excellent advices and tried to salvage me.

From my very first attempt to sabotage my own life back in lower secondary school days with gangsterism and bad behaviour, i met a very passionate teacher who saw the worth in me and spent her patient time to punish me, correct me and teach me. To the recent friends i made, many of them really close to heart, who taught me to appreciate life for its' worth.

Is it a case of luck. Or have i been receptive to them. I guess it's a case of both because these are the right people who proved to be worthy to be listened and my honour to have met them.

My salute to all of you.
 

After being a tuition teacher for almost a month now and getting hell from a particular tuition kid, i've come to realise why the teachers in school adore me so much.

Despite my bad behaviour of sleeping in class and keen defiance of school rules, teachers still loved me.

Cause i've realised after being a teacher that i possessed qualities that teachers expect in a student. That is to say understanding what is being taught and actually asking the right questions along the way to get the final understanding. Or perhaps handing in homework on time and also having the passion for learning. Ok, maybe i seriously lacked the passion for learning but at least i'm attuned to the fact that i better best understand what is taught so i have an easier time passing the examinations.

And i always thought that students like me are the rule of the thumb and not the exception then i met my tuition kid, i found out i was the exception. I'm also sure that many of us have met teachers that dont seem passionate about teaching especially the really old ones or for me, i have met several teachers who were very passionate about teaching in the first 4 years then turning into their old prototypes later on. We always complained that our teachers are boring (that's why i didn't get A for my Pure Physics) but didn't it occur to us that we are the ones who turned them that way.

Just like i thought my tuition kid just had a lot to catch up and had lost his confidence in learning but i realised he doesnt even want to catch up nor does he want to learn, always leaving so many homework undone so that i've to do it with him. Many times, i just feel like smacking his head just like the mother who always instructed me to be violent with him or give him a tight slap so that he would concentrate. I'm sure my teachers wanted to slap some of my classmates so badly. Actually they did! Not really slap but let's see, hurl chairs at them or screaming in their face with a proximity of like, 5cm?

I'm glad that i have leser people hating me for who i am. And that reminds me, i'll never hold a teaching job no matter how smart my recipients might be.